Really?

So did anyone hear about the lady in Germany who jumped into the polar bear exhibit at the zoo and did a swan dive into the artificial pond, hoping to play with the polar bears? She ended up getting mauled by one of them and the zoo people had to distract him with a leg of beef while they saved her fat ass. She is now in the hospital. There have been three similar incidents with GuGu the panda in China in the past three years.

Look, I totally appreciate that polar bears and pandas are cute and cuddly as hell. In fact, no one appreciates this reality more than I do. The difficult truth that I've had to accept is, pandas and polars know they're cute and they taunt us with it, because they also know they're ferocious and we can't ever cuddle or pet them. In fact, I'm convinced they purposely engage in cute human-type behaviors just to rub humanity's face in it.

For example:



Ok, what the hell. Here we have two grandstanding pandas side by side, eating identical bamboo shoots but pretending to be floutists, just so we'll fall all over ourselves taking pictures and say, "Oh my gosh they look like they are playing musical instruments, just like people. My head is about to explode." Rude.




And then there's this guy. He's all, "You can't even get close to me because I'm a baby and obviously in some kind of incubator, and you'll only ever see me in pictures and on youtube. Deal with it." And you have to deal with it, because look at that mug, the tiny paws, and all the wispy fur.

And this guy's not fooling me for one second. He's like, "Look, I'm just a panda, no need to make a big deal, I'm just trying to live my life, and eat this bamboo shoot in peace." Whatever. I don't believe it from Lindsey Lohan and I don't believe it from you.

But this duo might be the worst, because they are just sitting there calmly and not appearing to showboat, and you think to yourself, well maybe they really are enjoying a tranquil moment, mother and cub, and not trying to torture me. But the moment of giving them the benefit of the doubt is fleeting, because pandas are what they are, and they can't change their luxurious black and white color patterns, and as you can see, I'm onto them.

But don't think I'm giving polar bears a pass, because they're up to the same nasty tricks, as you can clearly see below.

Ok, this one is downright dangerous. He's in a supplicant's pose, being all, "Can't you see I'm lonely here in captivity, and I just want someone to play with? I'm so soft and white and fluffy and misunderstood." This is why people risk their lives, folks.

And these two jerks are slow dancing, using their forepaws like hands, as if that's what they are. Well, they're not. Terrible.

And this is one of the worst offenders I've seen yet. Not only are we dealing with a cub, the most obnoxious of all types of polar bears, but this one is a pro. Ears back, tongue slightly extended, all fluffed up from a recent bath, and jazz paws. Indefensible.

I've been meaning to get on this soapbox for a while, but this latest news story just put me over the edge. I'm not the only one fighting this battle, actually, and there's a blog I subscribe to that specializes in telling cute animals what's up. Check it out sometime. In the meantime, I better get back to work. I feel better now.