Just wipe that smirk off your face, because this is all your fault.

Dear Pigs:

Hmmm... swine flu. Great going. I could have predicted pigs would turn on us eventually. As it turns out, Animal Farm was more than just a brilliant political metaphorical satire. It was prophecy. Well, way to go, pigs. You have your globalized epidemic - kudos. However, I daresay the joke's on you.

I was reading an article about this illness and learned some interesting facts. First, pigs have to get the disease before they can pass it along to humans. Didn't really think this one through, did you, pigs? Symptoms of infected pigs include fever, depression, coughing (barking), sneezing, difficulty breathing, red or inflamed eyes, lack of appetite and discharge from the nose or eyes. Great. There is nothing more annoying than pig depression and you guys are obnoxious when you bark.

Second, humans can't get the disease from eating pig products. So if your goal was to decrease the ingestion of delicious pork products enjoyed by humans around the world, nice try. I for one am thinking barbecue tonight, just because you have pissed me off.

I decided to google image you, just to see what you've been up to lately, in addition to plotting and scheming with this flu business, that is. I was not surprised by what I found.

Public displays of snout rubbing. This is probably how this whole thing got started, so knock it off. It's in poor taste, and children could live on this farm.

Ok, life isn't all sunflowers and gingham, and you need to learn that. Get a job.


This guy. You're not that cute, with your soft downy fur and your impossibly pink nose and ears and tiny cloven hooves. I don't want to scoop you up and snuggle in that soft grass. Not at all. I mean, this is the piglet equivalent of a Glamour Shot. Terrible.

Listen, I just hope you guys know what you're doing and that you can live with yourselves. As if Mexico doesn't have enough problems right now without their livestock getting uppity. Just remember that I'm onto you, and I'm not the only one. I'd advise you to keep your snoots clean until this all blows over. Watching you.

Yours Sincerely,
Bets