Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Just wipe that smirk off your face, because this is all your fault.

Dear Pigs:

Hmmm... swine flu. Great going. I could have predicted pigs would turn on us eventually. As it turns out, Animal Farm was more than just a brilliant political metaphorical satire. It was prophecy. Well, way to go, pigs. You have your globalized epidemic - kudos. However, I daresay the joke's on you.

I was reading an article about this illness and learned some interesting facts. First, pigs have to get the disease before they can pass it along to humans. Didn't really think this one through, did you, pigs? Symptoms of infected pigs include fever, depression, coughing (barking), sneezing, difficulty breathing, red or inflamed eyes, lack of appetite and discharge from the nose or eyes. Great. There is nothing more annoying than pig depression and you guys are obnoxious when you bark.

Second, humans can't get the disease from eating pig products. So if your goal was to decrease the ingestion of delicious pork products enjoyed by humans around the world, nice try. I for one am thinking barbecue tonight, just because you have pissed me off.

I decided to google image you, just to see what you've been up to lately, in addition to plotting and scheming with this flu business, that is. I was not surprised by what I found.

Public displays of snout rubbing. This is probably how this whole thing got started, so knock it off. It's in poor taste, and children could live on this farm.

Ok, life isn't all sunflowers and gingham, and you need to learn that. Get a job.

This guy. You're not that cute, with your soft downy fur and your impossibly pink nose and ears and tiny cloven hooves. I don't want to scoop you up and snuggle in that soft grass. Not at all. I mean, this is the piglet equivalent of a Glamour Shot. Terrible.

Listen, I just hope you guys know what you're doing and that you can live with yourselves. As if Mexico doesn't have enough problems right now without their livestock getting uppity. Just remember that I'm onto you, and I'm not the only one. I'd advise you to keep your snoots clean until this all blows over. Watching you.

Yours Sincerely,

Sunday, April 26, 2009


So I recently found out that another one of the brilliant Golden Girls cast ensemble has gone four paws to the moon: Bea Arthur, who brilliantly portrayed the gloriously sarcastic Dorothy Zbornak. I thought I’d do a tribute to her, like the one I did for Sophia when she bought a pine condo last year.

Dorothy truly was the queen of the one-liners. Bea Arthur was hilarious in that role and thankfully the show is still going strong on Lifetime. I thought a good way to remember BA’s work would be to quote a few of my favorite lines. Finding these really brought me back to why I love this show.

Sophia: I need the money for my old age.
Dorothy: Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.

Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

Dorothy: [to Sophia] You're a furry little gnome and we feed you too much.

Sophia: My hiney's asleep.
Dorothy: Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

Dorothy: [to Sophia] Get back here, you deceitful little Sicilian gecko.

Rose: I don't think lying is really a good idea. I once cut school and that proved very bad.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose. We've all cut school. It couldn't have been that bad.
Rose: Oh, yes it was. That was the day they taught EVERYTHING.
Dorothy: The final piece of the puzzle.

[Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]
Sophia: And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?
Dorothy: Well, Ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

Sophia: No offense, pussycat.
Dorothy: None taken, you cankerous little prune.

Dorothy [to Sophia]: Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey.

Blanche: Dorothy, this is crazy! Since when do you care how you look?
Dorothy: I think it started when I came down from the bell tower and had my hump fixed.

Dorothy: [after Blanche and Rose meanly point out the flaws in her body] Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "Too Ugly To Live?

Dorothy: (After receiving Rose's gift of a whittled maple syrup spigot) This will come in a lot handier than those pearl earrings... the next time I'm lost in the woods with a stack of pancakes.

Rose: Can I ask a dumb question?
Dorothy: Better than anyone I know.

Blanche: What does one wear to a sperm bank?
Dorothy: Something attractive in rubber.
Blanche: I have that.

Blanche: Dorothy, at 2am in the morning, I was entertaining a gentleman caller. She walked in on me at the most inopportune time. I could have lost my balance and chipped a tooth.
Rose: You think that's bad? She came into my room when I was reenacting the plank-walking scene from Peter Pan.
Dorothy: What the hell goes on in this house at night?

Rose: I found out that Baked Alaska can be baked locally.
Dorothy: Rose, I’ve got an even bigger scoop for you. Mars Bars are made right here on earth.

Dorothy: Back off, Blanche! Not all of us are classified by the Navy as a friendly port.

There are a lot more where these came from. Here’s to you, BA in all your smartass glory. You taught me so much about irreverent humor. This bud’s for you.

Friday, April 24, 2009

30 Rock Shout-out

Let me advise you all of my current obsession with the show 30 Rock. This show has been kicking my ass all over the place. It’s hilarious. This is significant, because I’m kind of a tough customer when it comes to television entertainment. With the boundless entertainment options available on the internet so very accessible with wireless internet connections and laptops, I tend to get bored with television very easily. I don’t know if this show is really genuinely funny, or if it’s just right up my humor alley.

There are two aspects to successful comedy: material and delivery, and this show does both extremely well. It has earned a blog shout-out. Who are the geniuses doing the writing? The ironic nuances they use are not lost on me, like Alec Baldwin portraying a conservative Republican corporate elitist, with pictures of him with GWB and Sarah Palin on his desk. They have the best guest stars, too (Edie Falco, Isabella Rosselini, Salma Hayek, Will Arnett, Jennifer Aniston, Jon Hamm, just to name a few). With this show immediately following The Office, the Thursday night lineup hasn’t been this win since the Golden Girls and Cosby were ruling the roost. Oh you heard me, Friends and Will & Grace. You heard me.

Tina Fey’s character pretty much anchors the format, and she has some good lines, but the other characters, Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin), Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) and Jenna Moroney (Jane Krakowski) continually steal the show. Note that I did not include Kenneth the Page in that sentence. He is the only character that annoys me, but he does help set up lines for others, so I guess he has some value. Here are some of my all time favorite lines.

Jack: What are you doing?
Tracy: Payback. The way you treated me. You used me.
Jack: God, its like dating Katie Couric all over again. I didn’t use you. I created a situation that could have been mutually beneficial and you blew it.

Liz (when Jack is posing as a class member at her 20-year HS reunion): This won't work, Jack, you’re 50.
Jack: Rich 50 is middle class 38.

Jack: The crab is getting aroused. Shut it down, shut it down.

Kenneth: I know how you like this cornbread Mr. Jordan.
Tracy: LIKE it? I love this cornbread so much I wanna take it back behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

Jack: Look, Tracy, I can’t just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio.
Tracy: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy: No.

Tracy: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Liz: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can’t. I’m expecting a call from 1983

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Tracy: Live every week like it’s Shark Week

Tracy: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Dr. Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be. I’ll let you know as soon as we have the results.
Tracy: I already know the results, the kid is not mine!
Dr. Spaceman: Boy, it’s crazy to think we used to settle questions of paternity by dunking a woman in water until she admitted she made it all up. Different time, the ’60s

Jenna: If the president is so serious about the war on terror, why doesn’t he hunt down and capture Barack Obama before he strikes again?

Liz: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider it erotica.
Jack: That man can wear a sweater.

Jack: How far would I have to let her go to get my old job back? Are we talking over the shirt frontsies, backsies or would I really have to give her my gift?

Jack (breaking up with his wife Bianca, played by Isabella Rosselini): I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca: [laughing] Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
Bianca: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby’s franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

Honestly, there are soooooo many more quotes that are comedy gold from this show. If you haven’t seen it, check it out.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


So did anyone hear about the lady in Germany who jumped into the polar bear exhibit at the zoo and did a swan dive into the artificial pond, hoping to play with the polar bears? She ended up getting mauled by one of them and the zoo people had to distract him with a leg of beef while they saved her fat ass. She is now in the hospital. There have been three similar incidents with GuGu the panda in China in the past three years.

Look, I totally appreciate that polar bears and pandas are cute and cuddly as hell. In fact, no one appreciates this reality more than I do. The difficult truth that I've had to accept is, pandas and polars know they're cute and they taunt us with it, because they also know they're ferocious and we can't ever cuddle or pet them. In fact, I'm convinced they purposely engage in cute human-type behaviors just to rub humanity's face in it.

For example:

Ok, what the hell. Here we have two grandstanding pandas side by side, eating identical bamboo shoots but pretending to be floutists, just so we'll fall all over ourselves taking pictures and say, "Oh my gosh they look like they are playing musical instruments, just like people. My head is about to explode." Rude.

And then there's this guy. He's all, "You can't even get close to me because I'm a baby and obviously in some kind of incubator, and you'll only ever see me in pictures and on youtube. Deal with it." And you have to deal with it, because look at that mug, the tiny paws, and all the wispy fur.

And this guy's not fooling me for one second. He's like, "Look, I'm just a panda, no need to make a big deal, I'm just trying to live my life, and eat this bamboo shoot in peace." Whatever. I don't believe it from Lindsey Lohan and I don't believe it from you.

But this duo might be the worst, because they are just sitting there calmly and not appearing to showboat, and you think to yourself, well maybe they really are enjoying a tranquil moment, mother and cub, and not trying to torture me. But the moment of giving them the benefit of the doubt is fleeting, because pandas are what they are, and they can't change their luxurious black and white color patterns, and as you can see, I'm onto them.

But don't think I'm giving polar bears a pass, because they're up to the same nasty tricks, as you can clearly see below.

Ok, this one is downright dangerous. He's in a supplicant's pose, being all, "Can't you see I'm lonely here in captivity, and I just want someone to play with? I'm so soft and white and fluffy and misunderstood." This is why people risk their lives, folks.

And these two jerks are slow dancing, using their forepaws like hands, as if that's what they are. Well, they're not. Terrible.

And this is one of the worst offenders I've seen yet. Not only are we dealing with a cub, the most obnoxious of all types of polar bears, but this one is a pro. Ears back, tongue slightly extended, all fluffed up from a recent bath, and jazz paws. Indefensible.

I've been meaning to get on this soapbox for a while, but this latest news story just put me over the edge. I'm not the only one fighting this battle, actually, and there's a blog I subscribe to that specializes in telling cute animals what's up. Check it out sometime. In the meantime, I better get back to work. I feel better now.