So last week Gavin and I went to our first childbirth class. One perk of living in a college town is that you can take advantage of all the University offers. For example, FSU has a program for first-time parents that is supposed to be really good, AND it's totally free as long as you are selected to participate. Our doctor informed us about it, so Gavin and I thought, what the hell. We completed a few questionnaires and an interview and were selected, so off we went to the first class.
The people who teach it are a husband and wife. They are prob in their late 50s/early 60s, are certified for all this childbirth stuff as educators, doulas, midwives, etc., and are extremely qualified. They are lovely people. To them, the birth experience is "the most sacred life event" there is. Essentially, they are the Fockers from Meet the Fockers. I know I will love them.
The classes are held at their house, so we show up there for our first meeting. The first thing we have to do is take off our shoes, sit on the floor in a circle, light candles for all the mothers giving birth that day, take deep cleansing breaths, find our "centers", share with the group about "what our birth story looks like" and describe all our fears, anxieties, etc. Not exactly what I was expecting, but whatevs. I’m a student of life, here to learn, rollin' with it.
The best part, however, was when they explained to us that childbirth, when allowed to occur naturally (that is, no drugs whatsoever) can be an "orgasmic" experience. Literally. As in, you actually have a massive orgasm as you give birth. Beg your pardon? No effing way, lady. But yes, and they showed us videos to prove it. The videos basically consisted of present-day hippies giving birth outside in their backyards, on all fours, and experiencing what they swore were orgasms. WTF is all I have to say. We saw everything, and I mean everything. And heard everything. And what we were hearing just didn’t seem to go with what we were seeing. Part of me felt like I was watching porn. Frightening, confusing porn. Porn that completely misses the point.
The classes ended with a “dream catcher” ceremony that explained the purpose of the Native American dream catcher and how we can use one in the delivery room to help us give birth. We are told that the classes will become more scientific and medical and technical, but wow, how bout that for an introduction. Next class is Wednesday!
What else, what else. Well, I was sick all weekend with a terrible head/chest cold thing. Gavin took care of me, brought me a humidifier and anything else I wanted besides actual medication, since I can’t take jack. Yayyyy Gavin! I wason the couch all weekend watching stuff we have saved on our DVR. We always have a bunch of murder mystery 20/20s or 48 Hours Mystery episodes on there for times like this. I was watching one when Gavin walked in after mowing the lawn. Here’s how that went:
Gavin: What are you watching?
Me: 48 Hours Mystery.
Gavin: Without me?!
Me: (thinking: shat.) Um, well it’s nothing exciting, honeybear.. just your typical husband-kills-wife episode.
Gavin: You know those are my favorite. (walks away in a fake huff)
Hahaha – love that guy!
Hope everyone has a great week!
8 comments:
Actually have been through those classes!!! Did not see any feature films however (thank goodness). The classes are going to make the experience so much easier - all in the controlled breathing. Hope your feeling better. Selected any color choices for the "new" room?
Please tell me Gavin brings his gun the the classes
After going natural, I can surely tell you that it is as far from an orgasmic experience as possible. Intense, very intense pain, but over in an instant after the baby is out. After experiencing both an epidural and natural childbirth, stick with the epidural. Just as much work involved but without as much of the pain.
I have done this 5 times and I don't think that even an orgasm of that magnitude could persuade me not to have my wonderful epidural.
When we took our class, we went to a two day version at the hospital. Since I was having a scheduled c-section, we didn't see the need to go to an in depth labor class. Well, we were by far the oldest couple in the room and the most immature. We laughed and laughed at some of the footage. I actually had to get up and leave at one point because of the comments my husband was making.
As for your being sick, I couldn't breathe my entire pregnancy. My doctor said that I could use Zicam. I snorted that stuff religiously my entire pregnancy, otherwise I felt like I was suffocating. They make a homeopathic allergy formula that's safe to use.
It make laugh just thinking of Gavin finding his center!
I have to give Gavin snaps for not laughing out loud when asked to light a candle and find his "center." Jodie would have bolted from the room if made to watch L&D Porn. WEIRD!
I am laughing picturing Gavin in that class - I bet it was all he could do not to laugh! Of course I have no real life birthing experiences, but I am definitely not going au natural because I've heard it hurts like a bitch! And I have a very low tolerance for pain! Anyway, love the post and the snarkiness as usual! Keep it coming!
Post a Comment